“Son… I have never asked you for anything in your life. This is the only thing I ask for. Trust me…..you will not regret this.”
She said with confidence. She had full faith in her son, that he would do the right thing. She knew him better than anyone else. She saw him struggle through his life, she saw him overcome his own failures. She herself taught him to trust in himself and believe in himself. She had full faith in him, that he would overcome this hurdle too. All that he needed was a little guidance. He was the son any mother would be proud of, and even if he was going through a dark time, she knew he would eventually find the light.
He held the phone tightly. He could feel her unwavering faith in him, he could feel the love in her voice. He could feel the warmth of her hug, he longed for nothing more than to rest in her arms. He knew he could always confide his deepest and most personal feelings to her.
And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say what he really wanted to. He couldn’t dare to imagine the pain and hurt in her voice if he really said what he wanted to.
He whispered into the phone. He could feel the chains rattling around him, tightening their coils as he spoke the words. He felt like reading out his own death sentence.
She smiled in relief. “You will not regret this. Have I ever asked you to do anything wrong? You will realise in time that this is the right decision.”
He smiled, she was happy….for now. He knew what would be in store for him in his future. She didn’t know it yet. And he hoped she never would have to find out. But how long could he fake it? His happiness. Maybe long enough to start believing his own lie? Could he go back in denial? Back into the closet? Maybe if he could marry a girl who could be a good friend, maybe when he had kids?
Maybe she is right? Could it be that once he married all his feelings would change? If it did….what would it mean about his feelings now? Was what he felt until now just a phase? An illusion? Did he really believe in a lie all these years, from his childhood? If it were so….then could he really ever trust his own feelings again? Could he ever believe in himself anymore?
Every fibre of his being told him it was not a phase. It is how he has always been, and it would never change. And if that is the case….what would happen then? Would he have to fake his happiness in front of her? How long could he keep up the charade? And what about their relation? Could he ever be truthful to her anymore? If he had to fake his happiness, there was no way he could share his feelings with her.
In addition to the chains he could see the bars of the cage holding him in, secluding him from his loved ones. This is what his life would be, forever…. He felt his heart sink. And realised, he would have to kill it completely to do what she asked him to do.
Taking a deep breath he let out a sigh.
“I am sorry, mom….I can’t.”
The other end was silent for a long time.
“Don’t say it son….please…don’t” she pleaded with him.
His heart broke to hear his mothers voice…..
“I’m sorry mom….but you have to trust me on this. I know you are hurting now. I could say yes just to stop you from hurting…. but I am hurting too. And what you are asking will hurt me and you both. You could be happy now thinking you have saved me. But when time will pass, you would realise my pain and I know it would pain you twice as much. You taught me to believe in myself, to trust my instincts. Now I am asking you to believe in me….trust in me, that I will find my own way to happiness. I have not forsaken you or all that you have taught me. I am merely using your guidance to forge my own path. I don’t want to fake my happiness for you. That would be an insult to you too. And I don’t want you to ever regret or feel guilty for the mistakes in my life. Let me make my own mistakes, I will atone for them. I don’t want to hide anything from you, Mom. So please don’t force me to make a decision that will force me to hide my feelings, force me to doubt myself. You taught me to be free, you of all people I expect to understand the most how I feel. So please forgive me Mom, but I can’t give you what you are asking for.”
Tears streaked his face, his heart ached to feel her hurt. But the chains were gone, and so was the cage. He told her what was in his heart. He couldn’t lie to her. And he would never lie to her.
She was silently sobbing on the other end. She knew there was nothing she could do for him, but trust that he find the right path by himself. She had tried….but it was all up to him now. She prayed that the Gods be with him.
“I trust you son. I hope you make the right choice….whichever it maybe. And I will not force you for anything ever again. And you should never have to fake your happiness dear, not for me and not for anyone. Take care and Good Night….”