I really love my family,but sometimes in their company i feel like just that i should leave everything and everyone and go live another life. These are the people for whom i won’t think twice before giving up my life and yet i feel so suffocated in their presence, like they don’t even know me, they don’t know what i want,what i need,what i expect,what i am missing,what i am dying for! These are the only people whom i expect to be happy with,yet i really can’t share whats really on my mind with them…. It hurts me, very much, and it keeps on hurting,but iam ashamed of it. Ashamed of being so selfish. Because I know that they all love me just as much as i do and more….
When i am Home…..it hurts the most. We pretend to be a family, but everyone can see it for what it really is, a pretense. After my Mother died in 2006 when i was in class 9, we have never been much of a family. I mean what will you call a home where everyone is desperate to leave it as soon as they can? There’s almost nothing positive to look forward to when i head home for my vacations from college.
What i really want when i’m home is to wake up and have a nice breakfast made and ready for me, to have my favourites in lunch, and some tasty snacks in the evening, special items in Dinner like chicken cooked tasty and spicy. I want to be able to go to visit my old friends,hang out with them,watch movies and return home happy and smiling. I want to spend time with my family having fun,playing carrom or chess, going to weddings together or just for some family time out in a restaurant or park etc…. I want to be busy enjoying the day so much that after dinner i just fall asleep and have someone tuck me in. When i sleep late at night, i want to be able to sleep late till noon….
When i take any responsibility i want to be encouraged, when i give my efforts i want to be appreciated, when i achieve a success i want to be praised. When i make a mistake i want to be scolded and taught why i’m wrong. When i have a secret i want to share them to someone who would understand and keep it….
I don’t want to wake up to my Father calling my sister names and bereating his life. To have to go to the kitchen and make maggi for breakfast, to worry whether the cook or domestic help may come or not. To have last nights leftovers for lunch or just boiled potatoes and daal and sit alone. To say no to my friends because i have to sit guard at home. To have to listen to dad and sis bitching each other. To hear my Dad’s plans of selling the house. To count the days till when college starts. To pack all my things from home because any thing i leave behind could be gone forever. To be happy to leave home. To feel homeless…….
But i’m not the only one in my family suffering. I’m actually suffering the least and i feel selfish and ashamed of admitting all the things above because these are nothing to what they have to face. I get my escapes and they both (my father and sister) take care of me, but they are stuck with each other. A failed relation,jobless,unwanted in her own home, growing age, deteriorating health, friendless,unappreciated and still managing the house and subject to constant belittling by her father ;my sisters woes are certainly greater than mine. A lonely life, a broken dream of a family,retirement, health, rising taxes, a house to look after, educational expenses of a
college going son,a marriageable daughter growing old, these are few of the things that worries my Father.
We all want to escape our woes and end up blaming each other and running away from each other, though we still hold on to each other and can’t go,it seems a futile battle lost long ago. All that remains is a Big house with three people living in three different rooms.I can’t help feeling i never had a childhood…… I don’t want to grow up without being young….. I miss my Family very much…..
I didn’t write this to gain sympathy or help. I just need to get this out of my system because I don’t want this feelings stop me from trying to bring some happiness into the life of those people who will always be special for me… If lack of understanding, self pity and ingratitude is separating my family, I cannot be a victim to these same very emotions and drive my family away…. I can be the more understanding one,the one who doesn’t care about appreciation because I know I’m not doing my duty just to be appreciated, the one who knows that I’m not the only one suffering,and need love and care… And for that I need to realize my position and role in my family and the importance of not bottling up one’s emotions.